SML 'Head Zone' Interview

INTERVIEW No. 1 - PHILADELPHIA EAGLES COACH AND OWNER BRZA

Here it is folks, the first of my Coach interrogations, the moment you've all been waiting for ....... cue drum roll ............ its the 'COACH BRZA INTERVIEW!!!

So, here we sit in SML HQ, a bottle of JD, couple of the finest Cuban cigars at hand and in walks the SML Commish himself - none other than the Eagles Coach and IT super-user extraordinaire - Brza!
He strolls toward me in confident manner (probably because his season would've been over if the Cowboys had won last night) and bows courteously as he takes his seat. The seat creaks a little - as you'd expect from a Rhino/Exocet hybrid (ex LB), or maybe just the weight of his wallet, and i start to delve deep into the football maelstrom that is Coach Brza's mind.

Starting with the big game last night versus Dallas, i asked Coach how it went, he explained how the pressure prior to kick-off really gets the adrenaline pumping and how the first couple of series are so important. The game itself was explosive, both teams hitting big plays but a couple of early 3rd qtr td's gave the Birds breathing distance and a lead they would not relinquish. I asked what all the QB malarkey was about with Vick, Mallet and Newcomer and Coach positively gushed about Newcomer, who, lets be honest, IS living up to all expectations and appears to have given the Birds the impetus they desperately needed going into the 2nd half of such a gruelling schedule.
What you have to bear in mind is that Brza has a legal obligation to despise the Cowboys after being born and bred in Philly - now the Madden version of the Cowboys is causing considerable consternation - heck, poor old Brza even hates his own player Dallas Strong just because of the 'D' word!

That line of conversation bought us nicely on to my favourite attribute - loathing! What do Eli Manning, Osi Umenyiora, Cam Newton, Madden linemen and Coach Bishbosh all have in common? They're all on Coach Brza's letter bomb list! Turns out the affable Coach dislikes Eli's face immensely (don't we all) and Umenyiora's bitchy mouth - and the fact that the NY Giants are the worst team to win a SB...... TWICE in 5 years!
MegaCam is on Coach's hate list as he ended the Birds championship hopes last season and - just to add salt to the wound, trucked his safety into Narnia during the wk 9 match-up en route to a 60 yard TD!!!
Madden linemen will also not be receiving a christmas card as Coach mercilessly derided them for wandering around the field aimlessly, wondering where their next Ferrari is coming from, rather than actually trying to block/tackle anyone in opposing colours.
And Coach Bishbosh, he felt the sting of Coach's venom for ..... well, lets be honest here - is as mad as a box of frogs (although the frog guarded Superbowl ring might also be a factor).

The players that Coach admires in Madden are many, but at the top of the list is the unstoppable, untackleable, uncatchable purple rocket currently racking up TD's for Eder's Vikings. In the NFL Brza has a couple of historic favourite players, namely DE Reggie White and Safety Brian Dawkins, citing Buddy Ryans' genius D schemes and in doing so also confirmed what we have long suspected - that Brza really is a pseudo Defensive Co-ordinator underneath the Djax/Maclin love-in camouflage. But his current main man on the Eagles roster is 'The Ghost', Mr Shady McCoy - that is understandable, i watched Shady run past Urlacher and Briggs as if they were Madden Linemen! The NFL has also provided Coach with so many great memories, but when pressed for a couple he opted for The Body Bag Game [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] and a 4th and 26 amazing throw by McNabb in the playoffs [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

So, enough about Madden and the NFL - what is it that makes Coach Brza tick outside of the SML and the NFL? Seems the wily old devil has a bit of a thing for Megan Fox, even to the point where he'd rather stay in and watch the Lord of The Rings trilogy (how appropriate) with her than see the Eagles win a Madden championship. And that, my spellbound little punt returners, bought us to the final 2 questions of the night:- what does Coach think he's good at? and what does Coach think he's bad at? Brza answered honestly (albeit slightly dilusionally) - and said he's basically good at everything. Although, after a slight pause he did mumble something about not being great at telling the truth!

And with that he was gone, there was a short eclipse of the bar as Coach stood, turned on an island, thudded (sorry walked) out of the alcohol stained SML HQ with a 'Madden Playbooks for Dummies' manual tucked safely under his arm.

However, one thing is clear my button bashing army, Brza is hellbent on a ring and is likely to get there if work and effort is anything to go by. Just hope Megan Fox doesn't turn up with a video of Clay Matthews' lookalike Gandalf screaming about rings .........

Until the next interview, stay frosty, and ready yourself for a pm from l'il old Scoop. Who knows, it could be you next!

very nice , but where is our weekly report?????

Great stuff once again Scoop! It was nice sitting down with you.

Haha Hilarious! well done scoop, another brilliant write up!

INTERVIEW No2. Kansas City Owner/Coach Pastinator

I'm slurping on a refreshing pint of JD wondering about how to approach the interrogation of Coach Pastinator when my whole life flashed right in front of my very eyes (that took 20 minutes). Coach calmly walks into the SML HQ with a shotgun under his arm! As I took up my 'crane fly kung fu' stance, he assured me it was a precautionary measure and placed it delicately beside his chair. Good start.

It transpires that this little episode is actually an accurate reflection of the KC Coach's attention to planning and detail. From designing an aggressive defensive strategy, which Past absolutely loves to do, to game planning down and distance, blitz schemes and coverage formations. If there's one thing Coach enjoys it's calling the defensive plays and watching the 'Turnover Supernova' get more picks than a 7 Dwarves convention as the pass rush hits home! Yes, Coach is a student of the defensive art and values a pass rushing LB as his defensive cornerstone.

The Chiefs are in the No1 seed position and Eric Berry is Coach's defensive inspiration, although he'd love to have his favourite player Terrell Suggs in the huddle too (chance for a trade here Afro!). Surprisingly, with Pastinator's love of defense (his name comes from a Cornish pasty binge – he really did eat all the pasties) he would not take Steelers' James Harrison even if he came wrapped up in a $million note. Being an NFL Ravens fan may give us an indication why Past's hatred of such a good player is evident, although Matt Cassel comes a close second, hence his current employment status in FA, and receiving sweet FA! This is Past's first full SML season and when asked about his opponents he points out he hasn't played that many non-cpu owners yet but was impressed with the Eagles and Titans. I doubt he would have been as complimentary if he'd lost though! Enough of the communal back-slapping – what do you NOT like about the SML and the owners therein I asked? “TE's getting 200 yards” is spat back at me before I'd even finished my Sentence – he continues “i know the NFL is a passing league but even Gronk and Hernandez dont put up the kind of numbers we see week in and week out”. Valid point I retort as my personal waiter delivers a JD and a bag of nuts for me and a Pasty for Coach. He continues, Coach Bishbosh (bit of a pattern regarding the Halas Hall supremo) because he just has too much talent on the Bears! Interesting comment that about Bishbosh, one I've heard before about the Bears roster being so good, so, I thought I'd delve into my records and put it to the test. Turns out, the Chiefs have more A pot players on their roster than Chicago (18 to 15) but, genius I may be – stupid I'm not and one of my rules is 'never prove anyone wrong if they have a shotgun!'

Past's favourite NFL game is the Eagles comeback against the Giants in 2010 – I certainly know at least one commish who is likely to agree. The punt return by a guy wearing number 10 springs to mind – still, just to even things out, how many rings has number 10 got? Coach also speaks enthusiastically about the legendary Walter Payton. Football will never be the same without number 34, Walter is, in my expert opinion the greatest football player ever and I have to agree with Past his 'Never Die Easy' attitude was tops. Some backs will run off the pitch (Eric Dickerson) rather than do what Wally did, put his shoulder down and make the defender 'feel him' as he gained an extra yard or two.

The Chiefs have had a great season so far, and the humility of the man is evident but nevertheless i eye the shotgun somewhat tentatively before asking my next question. What do you do for fun? It turns out Past enjoys nothing more than a beverage or 6 whilst curled up in his 'I heart Ed Reed' t-shirt watching Lord Of The Rings. At this point I thought I'd best highlight a disturbance in the SML force and mention to all Coaches and budding owners that 'THERE'S MORE THAN LORD OF THE RINGS TO WATCH'. Winning a lottery or two would help says Past, hmmmm, just the one would suffice for most of us but I get the acute feeling that this guy probably expects to win the lottery! I just hope he has a never-ending supply of joypads when the meticulously planned plays go awry!

And as they say in movies (other than LOTR) – and that, is that!

Oh, the shotgun? It appears Coach misunderstood me when I invited him over the telephone – I told him there would be a healthy dollop of spice grills here at the canteen – turns out Pastinator has a more than unhealthy dislike for the Fab 5 girl power exponents 'The Spice Girls' ............... that explains the 5 cartridges!

One things for sure, Coach is not just a 'wannabe'.

Great meeting you Scoop, thanks for the hospitality.

Haha, yes the "turnover machine" interview

INTERVIEW No3. Tennessee Titans Coach/Owner LT

I am greeted at SML HQ by the long serving Coach of the Tennessee Titans ..... the unflappable Mr LTown27ers. Long time Tennesse fan in the NFL, i was expecting a bitter old man to arrive thanks to THE TACKLE in SB XXXIV when receiver Kevin Dyson reached agonisingly close to the goalline, ball stretched out in his hand only to come up one yard short of the score that would have meant overtime, but no, LT is not bitter. He rates that as the best game ever and with that kind of love for the sport its not surprising he is a knowledgable Coach who loves to have fun - no surprise then that CJ5K is coming to a TV screen near you next season! LT also enjoys throwing to TE Jamie Brooks as well as handing off to CJ - hence the astonishing yards the youngster has gained over the past 2 seasons. I wasn't surprised at this but it made my next discovery a bit of a surprise to find out Coach likes to build his teams from the D line up, and covets the 49ers superhuman MLB Patrick Willis.

Enough of the sloppy stuff - lets dig deep into that fun loving head and find out what Coach does NOT like about the game. It transpires that overpaid (in LT's view) QB's Tom Brady and Vince Young are not being invited to the Titans Superbowl party - which is unfortunate as Vince Young is his back-up QB! Coach Bishbosh also gets a mention in the 'SML Hall Of Fame Disliked' section (no surprise there) as LT would like to have him (and Vince Young) sitting together on the same electric chair!
Although i sensed that Bishbosh may be getting double stick from LT as England and Germany could be headed for a soccer semi-final in Euro 2012. Coach is also passionate about the German national team - and blames Bishbosh for 'THAT' goal in 1966 - fair enough! (Like the Germans need more soccer success!!!)
LT has a lot of admiration for the Coaches in SML and cites the Vikings as his toughest opponent. Eders Adrian Peterson led Purple People Eaters are the one team he would like to avoid if Tennessee make it to the show this season. And if he's really lucky the Titans could come up against Tom Brady and the Patriots in the divisional round - that's one match-up i'd hate to miss. One final whip of Coaches tongue is reserved for Pats Sebastian Vollmer - apparently due to the disgraceful crime of hailing from the Dusseldorf Panthers. I had to sign a disclaimer to agree i would not print anything nice about Seb, or the interview (and Seb) would be instantly terminated!

Coach LT is a free spirit in life and in a perfect world would be married to Shakira, be best friends with Heisman trophy winner Eddie George (from the Titans and Oilers before they changed) and "just fucking rich". Although i suspect a ring without Shakira's name on is more likely any time soon! The Tennessee Coach is a damn good bloke and i for one will be screaming "go CJ" as the playoffs unfold from my celebrity seat down at LP field in Nashville.
The interview closed with 2 questions i have always wondered about Coach: firstly, can you win the SB? to which LT said a resounding "yes, if Jake is sharp enough" and finally, do you like the Country & Western music Nashville is famous for? to which LT also replied "yes, as long as theres heavy guitar and loud crashing cymbals"!!!

So, as you have probably guessed by now, Coach is a cross between Tony Dungy, Franz Beckenbauer and slipknot. So, in this seasons playoffs ....... approach with caution ........... because if CJ or Jamie Brooks dont get you, the CD will!