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Round 1 Draft Grades - Clap or Crap

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Round 1 Draft Grades - Clap or Crap Empty Round 1 Draft Grades - Clap or Crap

Post by Scoop_McLeak on Tue Mar 18, 2014 12:56 am

As the SML head Coaches sign up their shiny young things it is my favourite time of the year, better than Jack Daniels Day, even better than All You Can Eat At MaccyDee's, and even better than a Kelly swimsuit Calendar. Yes, my swarm of disciples, it's the Scoop McLeak Draft Grading Show.

Now, before you read on, please read the disclaimer below to absolve the SML hierarchy from any distasteful lawsuits.

I (insert Coaches name) shall abide by the law that is Mr McLeak's word. I shall not cry to my mother about Scoop's nasty, but true comments. I shall not try and justify my latter round picks to make me look intelligent. I shall not go on autopilot and sulk. I shall accept my fate as the first will and testament of Saint Scoop.

Ok, if you've made it this far, you are now ready to rock:-

1.  Eagles QB McCadden - CLAP
Garret Fantastic flies in to Philly. Green team, green QB, but a 9 carat superstar in the making.

2.  Texans QB Greenlea - CRAP
This was a close call but my better judgement won out as i realised this guy is a carbon copy of Andy Dalton. With so many needs in Houston and so many top guys available, they went with a pseudo ginger. Close, but no wig.

3.  Cardinals WR Akinwande - CLAP
Hurray(tio) for Nelson - (i also double as a comic genius). The monster Akinwande cannot jump. That's about the only relief i can give the rest of the leagues DB coaches. Massive upside.

4.  Rams T Barclay - CLAP
If it wasn't for Garret McBrilliant, Big Phil would have gone number 1 i'm sure. Already a lock for the pro-bowl. Barclay will make the Rams even better this season. Gold Star for going lineman in the top 5.

5.  Raiders MLB Justice - CLAP
The bad news, Wolvo cannot cover passes to save his life. The good news, he will kill running backs. In a league that likes to run, Coach has a decision to make. Play him inside or outside? If i was the Blackest Hole in Oakland i'd want him outside hunting down HB's. Great upside, but at least a season away from the crucial MLB spot. Leave Roach inside, job done.

6.  Cowboys DT Trodder - CLAP
I bet Coach Eternal was leaking himself through picks 1-5 hoping upon hope that Trodder would fall to them. And lo, the Angel (Of Death) appeared. Perfect fit.

7.  Lions T Pearce - CLAP
Clearly, Detroit fancy throwing the ball. Pearce will  be a star, but don't ask him to run block just yet. lob it up to Megatron and Pearce will keep even the best DE's off Stafford's back from week one. Not flashy, but solid.

8.  Giants RB Kerr - CRAP
hahahahahahahahahaha. Forgive me, i meant hohohohohohohoho.
I bet the G-men war room security wish they'd banned the funny fags on draft day. Just think of their faces when they come down.

9. Packers MLB Royster - CLAP
GB filled a need by taking the young Royster Doyster. I hope he learns to use his hands to get off blocks as fast as his feet move. At 20 years old, it's a lot to ask a rook to deal with Mr Peterson - but he will learn very fast.

10. Buccs QB Echavaria - CRAP
Picking in the top 10 you do not want to miss. Here's the equation, Buccs > O line help + {MLB+CB} with Glennon. I think it's fair to assume the Buccs management are on a Wonderlic level with Frank Gore. The first top 10 draftee to hit the bench this season, congrats TB. Now, back to junior high please.

11. Browns CB Lumpkin - CLAP
The Browns have been smart here. Lumpkin is not fast, but he is very Charles Tillman-esque in every other aspect of his game. His run support is excellent and if the browns can develop a FS behind him, teams will have to play against the other side of the field. Where Joe Haden lurks.

12. 49ers WR Mazon - CRAP
With Locksley and Taylor still on the board this is a mystery. The 9ers needed a deep threat, not a 30 point score on Scrabble.

13. Dolphins CB Senatus - CLAP
Luhata is a great addition to the 'Fins secondary. He's a nice zone corner with good tackle and pursuit. Instant number 2 opposite Grimes.

14. Chargers DT Bodison - CLAP
Close call here. Anthony is not strong enough to play DT, but he could play DE in the Bolts 3-4 system. I expect Coach to move him and he could prove to be very useful. Reward outweighs the risk.

15. Seahawks LG Showers - CLAP
Big, strong and mobile with good smarts. Needs to use his feet better against the NFC speed rushers but nothing a few games can't sort out. 

16. Bengals FS Gotzmer - CLAP
It is obvious Coach Warrior has drafted Lonnie to play strong side. Gotzy will never be a star, but he will help the Bengals run D, and let's be honest here, the cheerleaders could do that.

17. Patriots TE Gillaspie - CRAP
A blocking tight end who can't run. Just what 'The Mallet' needs, not. With Tom retiring, New England could have taken one of several difference makers on offense. This guy is just different. bad different.

18. Eagles G Bradley - CLAP
Adrian is nasty. He would even scare the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Perfect for the Birds and the human gas escape Shady McCoy. When this guy gets out into open space run for your life, this 340 Ib epidemic cannot be stopped by conventional weapons. And shame on you coaches picking 1-17, now look what you've done - you went and made the Commish look like a genius again. Tut tut.

19. Panthers CB Ardizone - CLAP
Ardizone is a big physical corner who can cover fast WR's. He catches like a WR and tackles like a LB. Very surprised he dropped this low, Carolina must be laughing all the way to the top of the INT chart.

20. Titans OLB Grable - CLAP
Excellent fit in tennessee's D scheme. Wily old Coach LT must have sobered up just long enough to say "Bet Grable is great". He will be, and just as ugly. Special mention to his parents for naming him Steele, he just had to be a football player. He has brothers you know, Tungsten and Cadmium.

21. Jets T Greene - CLAP
If he can stay off his crutches long enough the Jets could enjoy an upsurge in fortunes. Win the AFC East, the AFC Conference and the Superbowl. The Treble, if you will. I thank you.

22. Steelers DE Hawkins - CLAP
Great fit in the Steelers scheme, excellent tackler with a high ceiling. Nice pick, and a Daunte prospect for opponents offenses. (I'm on fire today).

23. Falcons OLB Odle - CLAP
Best pass D linebacker in the draft. needs work against the run but the Falcons have Worrilow and Weatherspoon to mentor him. His speed will hellp him develop as a starter.

24. Jets WR Taylor - CLAP
I'd swear if Taylor was 3 feet shorter he'd be Wes Welker from 7 years ago. Amazed Joel was still on the board here, guaranteed star in the making. I just hope the Trade happy HC hangs on to him long enough before swapping him for a new car.

25. Broncos C Lenove - CRAP
Broncos needed a center. The story goes like this, HC told his advisors - I want a player who is fast but not strong, tackles better than he blocks and has MCV above 60. They drafted Lenove, only problem is it turns out he's a center. The Lions must still be laughing, they took Lee Kose lower down. And don't look now but pick 27 is coming up. Funny story that.

26. 49ers WR Locksley - CLAP
Oh how Big Jimmy Aston got away with one here. After taking a Guard masquerading as a WR at pick 12, the Gods smiled on San Fran and Locksley fell to 26. Wonder how long it took Jim to pull the trigger? Maybe Jed York pointing a Magnum at his forehead helped. No, Coach Eternal, not an ice cream.

27. Bills C Alvarez - CLAP
Superfast with good hands. The Bills O line now becomes a moving object and Matt Forte will be much the better for it. Just don't tell John Elway.

28. Bengals WR Tyson-Gulley - CRAP
Cincy need D help. Not a celebrity sound-alike who can't run. In fairness Dorian can certainly catch, and is B I G. But he won't lose his marker and he needs to change his name. To Smith. Or if he insists on keeping the contentious double barrelled name, how about Slow-Poke.

29. Ravens TE Dickerson - CLAP
Baltimore don't have a lot of holes on their roster, and with new HC Pastinator's imminent arrival a partner to Dennis Pitta is a shrewd move. Torri is the best TE in the draft and will flourish under the new HC. Joe Flacco has a new toy.

30. Cowboys OLB Fleury - CRAP
The man who will make commentators (and HC's) appear drunk. Nice pass rushing LB who tackles well but massive cleats to fill. Not exactly DeMarcus Ware but who is and I doubt the Cowboys faithful will forgive Coach for trading an icon. Plus, and this is the deal breaker for me, he sounds like a squirrel, go on, say it. See … squirrel.

31. Jets CB Addison - CLAP
The new HC has been trading like a jet engine, and appears once again in the bottom of the first round. After 2 nice picks we knew this would be good - and it was! Coach surprised everyone and took a CB who wasn't expected to go in the first round, but here he is, and deservedly so. Strong tackler, very good zone coverage with decent speed. Should become NY's instant nickelback. He can be turned but hey, show me a rookie who's perfect and i'll show you a forged birth certificate.

32. Vikings QB Upersesa - CLAP
The Monmouth Mouth arrives in Minnesota as a first round pick. He is fast, but an average passing QB at best. The Vikings will be a terrifying prospect unless you HC's can work out how to stop the option.  
The scary part is this, The winningest coach in SML history will be running the option playbook next season. With AP. And Upersesa. And Cordarelle. 

Things just got a whole lot worse for every. single. defender.
Pass the arsenic.

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Post by shrubo1 on Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:55 am

oh Mr Scoop you've done it again. Im sure everyone will be amused with your latest humorous article. Keep up the good work!

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Post by warrior9674 on Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:27 am

Bengals had a great draft, loads of the other coaches and contacted me and applauded my picks.
They also graded my draft A+
Great work again though Scoop

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Post by Pastinator on Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:35 am

Nice write up as always Scoop, always kept up to date with your articles while I was away !

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Post by tmslasher on Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:07 pm

Haha bBilly alwarwz is 87 overall  instant starter and instant impact to mo o-line and hey  i got darnell Fluennen in 3round 21 pick and he is 81  OVR haha great draft

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Post by KevyD13 on Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:42 pm

This is great Snoop...I'm so glad you didn't grade from 3rd round onwards...
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