Week 3 Raiders vs Bengals. The Madden Gods playthings...

by **Mattanite** Wed May 31, 2017 4:56 pm

So we set the scene… dark clouds hang over the Raiders after coming off a sluggish 1million-6 loss to the Jets with Carr throwing 4 INTs and Cook thinking it was what the cool kids were doing and added another for the in crowd. The Bengals were coming in at 2-0 but fuming over the playoff loss to the Raiders last season so it was going to be a slug fest.

Opening drive, Carr and the Raiders dink and dunked down the field showing great poise only to stall in the endzone coming away with 3. The Bengals answered back with Dalton’s super efficiency (red sniper ended up with >90% accuracy on the night) but it was the devastating HB Thomas Rawls doing the most punishment on the ground, Bengals go up 7-3. Carr led another efficient drive down field only for it to stall out again, 7-6 Bengals.

What happened next was brutal, for the next 2-ish quarters the Bengals hammered the Raiders with super accuracy and a punishing ground game. Carr had a redzone opportunity but couldn’t decide if he was an altruist or a glory hunter, to pass it off or run it in myself??? The delay cost him as he was flagged for an illegal pass… but as he admonished himself he watched the illegal pass bounce off the heads of 3 different Bengals and only SS Shawn Williams looked up to check if the sky was falling as the INT plopped into his hands. DANG!!! So the Bengals went up 24-6 by the middle of the 4^th quarter and looked to seal the game.

What happened next was some serious joking around by the Madden gods, bending the games will to toy with Geodudes hopes and Warriors heart!

The Raiders were half heartedly set for a comeback, but knew it would take a series of miracles to make that happen… Carr began to drive down the field when a late hit by the Bengals DE tore his shoulder, out for a month!!! “Noooo” screamed the few away fans in a sea of orange, but in stepped QB Cook, the Bengal Hunter, once tasked with winning over them before when Carr tore the same shoulder. Cook hit Amari Cooper on a quick go route and he breaks every tackle to take it to the house, boom, 24-13.

The Raiders kick off as normal in hope they can get a stop, TD, Onside rec over, then another score, all in about 4 minutes, totally doable in the SMLE right???? Bengals opted to run, as Rawls has been destroying them all day it makes perfect sense. He jukes and jives and the Bengals are almost within field goal range when POW!!!! Khalil Mack strips Rawls only for CB Amerson to run the fumble in for a touchdown!! The couple of Raider fans crap themselves with excitement, much to the chagrin of the Bengal’s fans noses…

Cook is lining up for the extra 2, he’s got a plan you see, throw it on the quickest hook that even a fly fisher would be proud of. Snap, look, throw, INT… noo. The Bengal CB Shaw doesn’t know what he’s meant to do, hesitates, looks at the Coach Warrior on the side-line, shrugs and then runs it back for 2. 26-19 to the Bengals. The only excited Raider fan who hasn’t crapped himself now shits himself with sadness.

The Raiders line up for the kickoff, then change their mind and call a timeout after deciding they want to actually try to win this game, coming back on for the onside kick recover. The stadium goes silent as the kick is made…………………. It bounces off a Bengals hand into the arms of a Raider and Warrior then craps himself on the side-line. Both teams start shooting nappies out into the stadium using the T-shirt guns in anticipation of a mass Brown-note moment.

The Raiders try a few passes and nothing works with Warrior covering the middle so well. Cook audibles to a 4 verts thinking “if it works every time in Madden-bowl country why not now?”. Amari Cooper breaks over the deep middle as Cook makes his Jay Cutler YOLO throw. Cooper snags it and goes full superman on the Bengals breaking every tackle thrown his way to run into the endzone. 26-25 Bengals!!! Every Bengals fan utilises said previous nappies.

HC Geodude loves the film, The Longest Yard, and considers going for it all with a 2pointer but after the last mishap decides to go for the safe 1 instead. Yeah right. The kick gets snapped, the Kicker has the accuracy in the black (or dark blue says Warrior) but time slows down as the kicker sees the backup CB diving like an Italian football player towards the ball for the block. 26-25 Bengals with 30 seconds left.

The Raiders know they’re pretty much cursed at this point and think we’ll go for the onside but the Madden Gods will totally not be listening to our prayers. The Raiders kick the ball and RECOVER A SECOND ONSIDE KICK!!!!! Warrior has a heart attack and Geodude now defecates in his trousers. Holy crap how is this game possible??

The Raiders truly believe it’s their destiny to win as they line up trying to get 50 yards passing and a field goal with no timeouts. Deep pass… fail… deep pass…. Fail again… Hail Mary 1… short of any player and fail… Final Hail Mary with 7 seconds to spare Cook launches his 90 throw power hail mary aimed at the end zone as the clock runs down. Every player jumps up, once twice, three times a lady… but alas the ball flops to the ground as an audible chuckle can be heard from the clouds. The Madden Gods had their fun with this one. Post-game Geodude destroys a house and Warrior has a another heart attack (but the good kind). Until next time, see you in the Playoffs.